From the ‘5 minutes to five o’clock’ department… Let the jokes begin…
Category: Humourous
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The Best Comeback Line of the Year
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman’s credibility…
Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?’
A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’
Q: ‘Officer — who provided this description?’
A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’ Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’ A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’
Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’
A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’
Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’
A: ‘Yes sir, I do.’
Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’
A: ‘Yes sir.’
Q: ‘Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’
A: ‘You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s ‘Best Comeback’ line — and we think he’ll win.
(Courtesy of ‘Wheels’ of crew.org.nz forums fame)
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A little more political humour for the more intelligent
From a reader:
Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
‘Hello! … Hello!’ she shouted. ‘Can anyone hear me?
Hello!’
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, ‘Hello! Is anyone down there?’
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing,
‘Vote for Winston Peters – Vote for Winston Peters’
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, ‘Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive.
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Moving. Oh the joys.
After 5 years I have finally moved from Paritai Drive. While the house was great (and large), it was time to move, and sample the delights of living somewhere else.
Some great times were had there, and lasting memories of other incidents persist as well. The flooding, the motocross bike incident, the guest chefs, the P-lab explosion across the road, the great parties, the BBQs, the pony (those who were at my 30th will know what I mean), breaking the floor, the unscheduled visitors…the list goes on!
A housewarming party never did eventuate, but I’m sure this was made up for in many other ways. The amount of Wild Turkey and Thai green curry consumed would be unparalleled.
I’ll miss you.
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Magyar
From the first line of the Hungary section of Lonely Planet Eastern Europe: Hungary’s uniqueness extends beyond its incomprehensible tongue.
Boy I can pick ’em.
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Have you always wanted to look like Homer?
http://www.simpsonizeme.com is the place to do it then.
When my picture has finished processing, I may remember to edit this post and include it.
If I remember that is…
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Do ya feel lucky, punk?
I saw this on our street driving home from the gym.
Yes, that’s a supercharged 5.5 litre, 368kW, 700Nm, V8 Mercedes Benz E55 with an L-Plate on it. One of the 3 fastest sedans in the world – 0-100km/h in 4.5 seconds – with enough torque (that’s the happy juice that makes the car go sideways) to pull a train backwards.
If one is going to get confused between brake and accelerator why not do it in style? At least it has 10 airbags to make the stop at the end as fun and exciting as getting there. I personally can’t think of a better set of wheels to learn to drive in…
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In and out.
When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go….but could you?
Outside:
Inside:
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Amusing Quote of the Day – TelstraClear’s Dr Freeth
Regarding TelstraClear’s announcement about axing 100 jobs in NZ and moving some core activities to Australia:
“Dr Freeth says the changes will reduce TelstraClear’s cost base and should improve its efficiency. Because of Telstra’s scale, “they can do things much faster and much cheaper than we can”.
How on earth are we meant to take the piss when they do it so well themselves? Not fair!
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I’m going to get it for this!
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.”